By Allie Keller
The sun is shining, the people of Chicago are emerging from the winter hibernation, and the producers of “Will You Accept This Rose?” can only think of one way to celebrate – by watching a brand new season of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”! Our girl JoJo is out to find love and WYATR is ready to follow the journey. Here are the “first impression roses” of the gentlemen that caught our eye this season.
Cassie Belek’s Hot Take:
I almost want the Bach producers to go back and recast JoJo’s brand new boyfriends because everyone is a white man with brown hair, and I’ll never be able to tell them apart. Aaron Rodgers’ lil bro is clearly the one to beat. He reminds me of Shawn Booth from Kaitlyn’s season – overly confident and intense and always making you question if he’s about to murder her. But thanks to the promos, we know that Chad is the one who will end up in prison this season. I’m #TeamChristian all the way. Did you know his last name is Bishop? That’s right. His name is Christian Bishop, which is essentially Christian Shephard, which means WE HAVE TO GO BACK to the island, presumably where Olivia has become the Smoke Monster. I also read this morning that Christian’s late stepmother was Mary-Ellis Bunim of Bunim/Murray Productions. You know, THE CREATOR OF REALITY TELEVISION. Nothing is real. Trust no one, JoJo. Especially not Jake Pavelka. (Cue “On the Wings of Love.”)
Allie Keller’s Hot Take:
There are two things I love in this world – a contestant of a reality show known only by their nationality, and a train wreck. Lucky for all of us, Daniel is both of these things. In true Bachelor fashion, his one and only description is “Canadian” (true story, ABC’s official Bachelorette description is “Daniel, 31, a Canadian from Vancouver, B.C., Canada”). His drunken, quasi-naked ramblings are giving me acid flashbacks of my girl Lace, and I can only pray that he has an inner-wrist tattoo that says “Go Big or Go Home” that he will later reference as a personal motto and excuse himself from the show to pursue it. Obvi, Chad seems like a serial killer and I’m terrified for everyone’s safety for the rest of their lives. I’d love to say I have a front-runner picked out, but honestly scrolling through the cast list I can’t identify one white dude’s brunette side part from another. I’ll just go on record as saying Wells completely blew his load having “All-4-One” background serenade him the entire night, and every future interaction with him will be a huge letdown. SORRY, JOJO!
Come watch the contestants of “Will You Accept This Rose? An Improvised Parody of ‘The Bachelor’” compete for a chance at love this June and July, Fridays at 9pm. Featuring special guests from previous seasons of “The Bachelor” and other surprise celebrities!